Published May 11, 2008
This is about Families and Girls that drive you crazy, but are never there and teachers that want you to be an individual, but be the same as everyone else.
I'm So Angry I've Been Breathing Smoke All Day,
There's No Down Time, Or Valium To Soothe My Mood Today,
Only Whispers, That I May Die Before They Pass Away,
Only Dreams, That One Day I Can Get Away.
I'm So Empty, In My Hollow Heart,
Making Paper Dreams That You'll Only Tear Apart,
I'm So Fucked Up, Always Been Over From The Start,
I'm So Lost, All This Heartache Due To Your Part.
I Can't Do This, Dying Every Night,
Having To Take Chemicals To Survive Another Fight,
Having You Lecture Me On How Your Always Right,
Bleeding Over Sheets Because She Said She Might.
Build Me Up To Break Me Down,
Living in This Dead End Town,
Why Do I Always Feel The Same,
Alone And Hurt, You're to blame,
As I Run To Her But She's Not There,
I Scream And Scream But No One Cares,
No One hears These Empty Screams,
No One Shares These Dead End Dreams.
Theres Something Here Thats Missing,
Your Colder Than The Knife Im Kissing,
I Take Your hand And It Turns To Ash,
Like The Cigarettes That Make This Moment Pass.
I've Been Dying, Since The Day I Saw Your Face,
I've Been Crying, Ever Since I Saw This Place,
I'm So Happy, To Be Called Your Disgrace,
Sitting In your Watchfull Eyes, About To Explode With Tears And Hate.
I Can Scream All I Want But It Won't Get Me Out,
I Can Roar At The Stars Until She Hears What I Shout,
I'll Push Them Away, I Need To Get Out,
I'll Take Her With Me, I Want Out.
I See It In Their Eyes, Im What They Always Hated,
They Tell Me to Be Myself, And Then I Get Discriminated,
They Tell Me To Live My Life While They Get Me Cremated,
They Tell Me That They Love Me While Im Getting Rated.
She's So Far Away, So I Take The Pills But Still Feel The Same,
Somethings Gone Wrong, So It's Me To Blame,
I Feel So Cold But She's As Hot As A Flame,
I Want To Die But She's Calling My Name.
I Never really know how to finish a poem, so i'll just leave it like this.
Eva XxXxX
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141,257 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
This is dripping in teenage angst. Except a good type of angst. The sort we can all indentify with, I think...maybe I've interpretated it wrong. I hope I haven't- because from the view where I'm standing, it's amazing.
So Wilfred Owen influenced? I like the title. I often read a lot of poetry before trying my hand at it, using them as kinds of guidelines. Why not use the best stuff out there? That's my own thesis on the thing any way.
So here's the thing. Many people will be calling for you to de-capitilize ect. If this was meant to be intended in your own unique style, more power to you. However sometimes, reviewers call for certain aspects to be made easier for them. This is one such instance.
So my favourite stansa, and I'm doing them in stansas as opposed to favourite lines as I'd be here all night are
Dear me. That royally blew my socks off. Kudos. (Does anyone actually know the correct spelling and meaning of that word?)
Secondly,
Fantastic diction. Magnificent rhyming scheme. I could go on and on.
Amazing.
PM me with more splendid poetry.
Best wishes,
Eimear
I really like the line "Build me up to break me down" it was a really good line..bravo..sorry all I got for you now...keep writing!
Okay, off the bat, I'm half asleep here, and you seem to be saying look at me. All caps, just hurts so much. Guh... I tried to read it, I really did. From what I read I agree with Mad, write this all in third person.
Overall: I'm really tired here, so just drop the caps, and pm me. I'll read again.
Good luck
VSN
I like the emotion. It was rather gollmy, but who am I to say that it can't be gloomy. You should just write whatever is in your heart. Sad, mad, hate, death, whatever, it's just you. I really liked the poem. Nice job!
Yep, I also think you shouldn't capitalize all the words, that doesn't fit in. This was also a bit too gloomy for me.
"Build Me Up To Break Me Down," --> this was my favorite line in this poem.
In your seventh stanza the rhyming is more or less non-existent. Out-shout-out-out - there aren't many rhyming words, right?
Overall: A little too gloomy and telling, by editing it would make a somewhat fine poem. Keep up!
Best wishes
Demeter
Title influenced by Wilfred Owen's Anthem for Doomed Youth? I agree with TimJim77, the capitals are annoying.
First off I find the repetition of the same ending ("ight", "art" and the others, especially the one stanza which rhymes "out" with shout, out and out) for whole stanzas annoying.
I liked the first three lines of your opening stanza - last one was a bit of a disappointment but sort of set the rest of the poem up for what were going to do: repeat phrases that have now become too overused and consequently ineffectual.
Here for example - how many times have your heard one of those individual lines? Or the two together?
I thought that was a rather neat image.
But the problem mainly is this is someone simply telling everyone their thoughts which could be spliced together from a variety of movies.
Try more description, original description - doesn't matter if it doesn't seem to good half the time if it's original it has an attractive shine to it. Don't do the capital thing and please don't simply tell. One major positive - I thought some of the internal rhyme or mid-line rhyming sounded nice.
Poems should not be billboards. Don't capitalize everything.
I have a suggestion that may sound strange. Rewrite this poem in two ways. Make it in the third person, and do not describe any feelings, but only show their effects.
Good luck.